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So my previous post on this topic was over 2 weeks ago, and through those 384 hours a lot has happened … another two outings with Mary and a decision that feels odd for me. First, the aftermath of my faux pas. With so many things in my life I tend to over analyze and overthink a lot. Problem with a mind that likes to process things quickly. I can run through 100 worst and best case scenarios in about 30 seconds which means that I can very easily exasperate a situation beyond reality. Many friends mentioned to me after my last posting that I wasn’t in that bad of a situation and the best thing to do would be just to contact the darn girl and stop thinking about it. So with the encouragement of friends and a forced mental stop in my mind I just contacted Mary and asked if she would like to do something the next weekend. Not that I had any plans or ideas of what to do, but I figured since I had a good time I might as well venture out again … and a second outing/date for me is kind of a big deal since I don’t do this type of thing often. Mary said it would great to do something. So we made plans to get together on Friday and headed up to a Utah Blaze (arena football) game. I won’t go into all the details of the evening, but it was a fun time. We talked about life, likes and all those things that find their way into conversations as two people are learning about each other. It was a truly fun and enjoyable evening. At one point I felt there might have been an opportunity to even take the relationship to another level, which was a little shocking to me. And in standard “Enoch” fashion I skirted around the moment. Eventually we said Goodnight to each other and said we should see each other again. Now the drive home … the dangerous part of the evening … is the place where I start thinking about what happened. And here my dear readers and friends is where guidance would be nice. As I started thinking about the situation with Mary a couple thoughts passed through my head: - Mary is a little younger than I am. I’m 34 (almost 35) and she is 26. Now I know “attraction” knows no age, but I’ve always had a slight concern around this area.
- Mary is really the first girl that I’ve seen during this new quest of dating … Is that fair? As a romantic I’m not opposed to the idea of finding “The One”, but I’m a skeptic at heart. It feels odd to say that after two dates and some crazy emotional connections that I’m smitten.
- How much of these thoughts to I tell Mary and how much do I keep to myself? Anyone who knows me understand what a nut about honesty I am. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you the truth. I may try to make it sound better than a blatant “I hate that”, but you will always get my honest sentiments. However, that seems like a lot of information during the dating process to divulge to an individual. Possibly I should handle my concerns alone and wait for another time to share my eccentricities.
And there were other thoughts that ran through my head, but those were the major ones. This got me thinking about the future weekend (last weekend) coming and what I should do about things. So I called up my friend who set me up with Mary and asked her advice. She gave me Mary’s information along with three other of her friends information. I’m not one of those people who juggles well, so I opted to call one name on the list at a time. Mary was the first, but would I hurt Mary’s feelings if I called another one of the names on the list? This really concerned me. So called my friend and asked her for some advice. My friend told me that “If I felt like I should call another name then I should make the phone call.” “Don’t worry … Mary has the same type of concerns and would still go out with another person if they asked. You’re not committed so don’t worry about it.” Now many people may not understand why this is such a problem, but here in Utah the rules of dating are EXTREMELY different than anywhere else. The pressure for marriage is high which translates into odd implications people put on “dating”. It is possible here to find yourself in a committed relationship after spending 20 minutes with a person and engaged after three dates. Yeah … it sounds crazy, but I’ve seen those occurrences happen. So take a guy from NH who really is very infantile in personal relationships and dump him into the pressure cooker of Utah dating and you get questions. As much as I would like to be married, I don’t see myself marrying a person after 2 dates, but that doesn’t mean the other party my not have implied intentions. (Just so you are aware Mary is by no way this type of person, but when you’re playing a game you have to understand the rules and boundaries) So I made a decision to cognitively ask someone else out for the next weekend. If the circumstance came up that I wanted to contact Mary then I would … and that natural connection would drive the relationship. So I texted two women and tried to set something up for the weekend. And that was big for me because, well, I usually only contact one person at a time. But this time I tried to stretch my boundaries. However, the following weekend I didn’t have a date so I stayed at home, watched “Deadliest Catch” with some friends and worked. I felt guilty about that since I secretly had a goal to go out each weekend and spend time with someone interesting and I failed last weekend. So on Tuesday, to play catch up, I decided to drive up to Salt Lake and visit a friend of mine who has been going through some interesting situations as of late. She never answered her phone, but since I was in Mary’s neck of the woods I texted her and asked if she would like to grab something to eat. We ended up spending about an hour hanging out at a Barnes & Noble bookstore. She had other plans that evening, but it was fun to just spend time together. So I don’t know what the future holds in store for anything. Mary is great, and I’m sure I will spend time with her again. This next weekend I ‘m going out with another girl. That’s exciting and a little nerve wracking because, well, I’m still getting used to this “dating” thing. What is interesting for me is to realize something that my time with Mary taught me: It’s alright to be yourself; It’s alright to make mistakes; It’s alright to think crazy thoughts and share; but most importantly It’s alright to be happy. And for that lesson, whatever the future holds, I am eternally grateful. Thank you Mary!
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My previous post mentioned that I goofed up a little on a date I recently went on with a really cool female named withheld whom I call Mary. But now it is confession time and tell about my feelings of the blind date. First the confession. So during the date I put my phone on vibrate as to not get interrupted by phone calls, texts and other silly smart phone things. During this time my phone was in my pocket which doesn’t seem horrible but when the phone is on vibrate and you wear baggy pants like I do then you can easily miss phone calls, texts and other silly smart phone things. I mentioned how after I dropped off Mary I called a friend of mine to quickly stop by and visit. We went to our standard late night hang (IHOP) where she proceeded to grill me on the date that just happened. The interesting thing about this grilling was I didn’t make my usual excuses on what happened. I was happy, which was odd for me. My friend asked me if I was going to see Mary again and I said that I would like to but I didn’t know how I was going to since my lease was up on my car. I needed to invest in a bus pass. So I took my friend home and gave her all the mix CD’s out of my car including my pump up CD I had for getting ready that evening. And I started to head home. All the while not remembering I put my phone on vibrate. After getting home I took my phone out of my pocket and plugged it into the charger by my bed where I usually leave it for the weekend. The next day, Saturday, I got up from sleeping walked into my office and started working on some projects I wanted to get done. Then I jumped on the PS3 and played some Crysis 2. The whole time I started thinking about random ways I might be able to “pop” up and see Mary. it’s odd to be confessing this through a blog post, but truth be told I thought it would be fun to hang out with her again. I do have an overactive imagination and I thought possibly I’m fooling myself into thinking something more than it was. The whole day was like this. Play a game, and take your mind off of the situation. Do some work to chip away some time. Watch a movie to ignore the clock. Finally it was 5:30 and I figured if I was going to do something then I would have done it earlier because it was way too late to hang out now. It’ll just have to wait … until tomorrow. <sigh> As time rolled on I eventually went back to bed and slept until Sunday. Yeah, Sunday came and went and even though I had great intentions of going to church … I just didn’t seem to make it. So I decided I would listen to the General Conference talks. Around 2:00 I got a crazy idea to write a Windows Phone 7 application to deliver the General Conference Talks to my device instead of having to go to the website. I opened up my computer and started working on it. I finally stopped around midnight and decided to call it a night. Why does any of this matter? Because when I woke up on Monday morning convinced enough time had passed to not appear too anxious. I picked up my phone, which was on vibrate all weekend, and noticed I had 7 text messages, missed 3 phone calls and had over 200 emails … and I didn’t hear any of it. Most importantly there was a text from Mary on Friday night saying “I had a really fun time. I hope to see you again.” There it was … confirmation that she had a good time with a goofy kid from New Hampshire and I missed it. More importantly I missed it three days ago. Whoops. If I was a smart man I would have replied in a text, “Just saw your text. Let’s get together next weekend.” But alas … I didn’t. I’m not that smart. The whole time I was internally debating about seeing her again I could have just texted, “What are you doing now? Wanna get a pizza?” But now my mind started processing the situation and I went into evasion mode rather than crisis control mode. Yeah, I realize on a scale of 1-10 that this problem rates about a 2 in the intensity meter, but it was a mistake that I needed to fix. However, I had things I needed to accomplish that took precedent over the problem I had. I had to return my car, I had to get my Scooter Safety inspected and I needed to get my Scooter Registered. I would have to wait until the evening to fix this problem. I could tell you about my day and how I took care of meaningless activities, but instead I’ll mention the three people whom I did nothing but talk to about Mary. People want to know about my dating life. And people are interested in what I do. Needless to say throughout the day I talked about the Friday night date and everything I have shared here repeatedly. Each time with the intention of “I need to contact Mary”, and each time failing to do so. So to Mary out there … I’m sorry for not contacting you sooner. I promise to get in touch and I do hope we can hang out again soon. It was a fun time and I would love to see what the next adventure is. As for me and my internal thoughts … well that is a final blog post that needs to be written. All I can say is “Silly Enoch,” and hopefully not try to derail progression much further for me.
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In my previous post I mentioned how it is tricky for a Jekyll and Hyde person like myself to meet people. This brings up my friends who have the best intentions in mind and tell me about women I should meet. Which is how I was introduced to Mary (whose name I changed to keep her identity a little more private). More about that in a second … After the recent LDS Conference it was mentioned that people like me (older single guys) should heavily think about getting married (that’s the nice way of saying what was said … they were a little more direct). During the conference I texted my friend and told him “President Monson just threw down the gauntlet … it’s either start dating or remove my records from the church.  “ (this is a great talk for those interested parties). He sent me back a text with the number of his daughters and the number of some young women. My good LDS friends … always at the ready. Later I was told to call one of his daughters to get the name of another young lady, Mary. I don’t know what made me text/call Mary first out of the 3 names given my by his daughter, but she is who I texted. My thoughts going into the initial conversation were these: 1) I need to get out there and start dating, 2) I need to do something with someone this Friday, and 3) If I’m doing something in Salt Lake City it needs to be before the weekend because my car’s lease is up on Monday. So with my new information from my friends daughter I vowed to myself that I would call the ladies on Wednesday. Well … Wednesday was horribly busy and I didn’t get home until after 9:30. It was a little before 10:00 PM and I thought I would text Mary and see if she was around. So I quickly texted her and apologized for the late contact. My mom always told me to never call anyone after 9:30 and that has always stuck. I asked if she had time whether she would mind if I called her to quickly chat and see if we could set something up for Friday. A couple minutes later … I had a date. Now the problem of what to do. I’m horrible knowing what to do in Salt Lake. I live in Provo (about 45 minutes away) and don’t go to the “Big City” that often. I told Mary if she wanted to do anything than I would be game for that. She said that she was totally up for planning something which was a great burden lifted from my shoulders since I had no idea what to do. However, come Friday the weather was not that great which put a damper on the plans she made. I was back to trying to come up with something. Before I continue I should mention … I’m trying to be a better LDS member. I’m not perfect and often fail at the simple things like going to church. I am determined to go about this dating thing with dignity and respect towards the LDS faith and the women I date. Hopefully …. by doing this I can keep the eternal goal of marriage in a positive light instead of something that freaks me out. With that being said, my first thought of activities in Salt Lake was to head to “The Roof” restaurant on top of the Joseph Smith Building ( a place I like to eat) and then go to the Legacy Theater and see the “Joseph Smith” movie they play there. It’s dinner and a movie LDS style. On Friday I mentioned this to Larry, his daughters and his son and son’s wife that I had this idea. From all parties involved I had a resounding “Um … you don’t want to see an LDS film on a first date. You should do something else” vibe. So I thought well … if that many people I respect thought it might not be a good idea then maybe I should revisit my plans. I quickly jumped on http://CitySearch.com and looked for other things to do. After fumbling around for different ideas I jumped in my car to pick up Mary. So this is about a 45-50 minute drive I embarked on with nothing but my schizophrenic mind to keep me company. I actually made a mix tape of “one-hit-wonders” to lighten my mood as I traveled. And I made pretty good time all the while thinking “I have no idea what I’m going to do tonight.” And finally I made it to Mary’s street passed it and pulled into the grocery store up the road. Why? I just realized I left the house without doing the Last Minute spritz and shine we’re supposed to do so I ran in for some gum, breath mints and a little bag of jelly beans so I didn’t arrive at the house empty handed. Yet another odd idea instilled in my from my youth: Always bring a small token when entering a stranger’s house. I put three mints in my mouth and two sticks of gum and I was ready. After pulling into Mary’s house I walked up to the door, 7 minutes late, and knocked. Alas here is the ultimate moment of truth … the meeting of the blind date. On blind dates there is always that possibility of saying to your friend who set you up, “What were you thinking? Really? You really think of me that way?” However, Mary is a very attractive female who probably was wondering to her friend, “What were you thinking? Really? You really think of me that way?” but if she did she covered it extremely well. We got into the car and started down the road towards an unknown destination. Before we got to far I said to Mary, “Ok. I’m going to tell you the lame idea I had for us to do so we could think of a better one together.” And I proceeded to tell her about my plans. After telling her the idea she looked at me and said, “Really? I had that same idea, but I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want you to think it was lame.” Great minds, right? So we happily drove into downtown Salt Lake. Parked in the Joseph Smith building parking lot and proceeded with our idea. The evening was really fun. We just relaxed and ate great food, watched and commented on the many Prom couples eating at “The Roof” and told stories about ourselves. It was really a fun time. The last showing at the Legacy theater was 7:30 at night so we finished our eating and went downstairs. In typical Enoch fashion we were a couple minutes late so the movie had already started. It was a new Joseph Smith movie that was released only a week before. Which was cool because neither of us had seen it yet. Once the movie was over we jumped in the car and I proceeded to drive her home. So as I pulled into the driveway I was a little selfish and just parked the car. There we stayed talking for a while until it was around 9:30. I didn’t want to stay out too late on a first date so I walked her to the door and did a very awkward goodbye. I think there might have been a high-five or fist-bump or something in there. All I know is I’m not good at goodbyes. So I jumped in my car and started to head home, but before I did I called a friend of mine who lives in Salt Lake whom I always try to see when I head up to the Big City. But something was different about the evening and I didn’t understand what it was. it wasn’t until the next day that I understood what it was. I was happy. This is odd for me … I don’t get happy after first dates. I have good times. I have enjoyable evenings. I don’t get happy. Maybe it’s all the work I’ve done with Janis that has helped me get a different perspective on life. Maybe it was me letting my guard down and talking about things you don’t bring up on first dates. Quite possibly it was the fact that Mary is truly an incredible female. Whatever the reason … I was happy and that worried me because I wanted to figure out a way to see her again without sounding needy or desperate. And that troubled me, because I don’t do that. I needed time to understand my mind. I needed time to relax. I needed time to strategize and plan. First) because I didn’t want to appear too much too soon and Second) I was losing my car on Monday and that was a problem if I needed to head to Salt Lake. However, in standard Enoch fashion, it is the mental processing that is sometimes my downfall. But that is for my next post. And for what happened next … I need to apologize to Mary.
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It’s interesting to see how often over the past 10 years I have been told by family, friends and complete strangers how much it amazes them that I am not married. I don’t live the typical single lifestyle. I’m not a womanizer nor a frequent dater. To be honest you can count the many women I’ve cared about intensely on one hand. Most of these people who talk to me about marriage think the same thing, “Enoch is really great … why isn’t he married?” The answer is pretty simple. It goes to a deep rooted sense of insecurity I have. Whether it is because I felt jaded in past relationships or I’ve put effort into something that doesn’t pan out the idea of a “relationship” is alien to me. But … things need to change and now is a better time than any to start. Recently I’ve been seeing Janis Johnson at Authentic Turning Points and working with her on a number of “issues” I have. Anyone who knows me knows I processes through a million thoughts in a couple seconds. Thinking about why I do the things I do is a second nature action for me. And trying to understand my sub-conscious is like trying to unravel the mysteries of M-Theory. Sure we can get close, but it just opens up a new problem when you do. But Janis has helped me process my information with less deprecation to myself which is what I need. And for that I am grateful.  The last session we had was Thursday. I mentioned that I was going out on a blind date on Friday and she said, “Why don’t we Evox your feelings on dating?” Evox is a nifty little device that listens to the tones in your voice as you speak, processes the frequencies that are stressed and then returns healing frequencies to your system through a hand console. Here is a quick little blurb about the technology: http://bioenergetictechnology.com/about/zyto-technology/evox/ .
 So we did a couple sessions. The concept is a simple one: There is a circle with 12 zones. Your speech is analyzed which then color codes the zones and highlights stress points. After you talk then you “process” which is where information is sent back to the tester through a hand cradle. Each time you do record new colors and frequencies arise. The trick is to eventually get shifts in your colors and zones because the processing is helping your body understand what is needed. Normally the sessions take anywhere from 3 to 8 times. While I was there Janis mentioned that her mentor did 15 on someone … which was a lot. That to me sounded like a challenge which I was more than ready to take. We ended up doing 16 sessions on my feelings and thoughts on dating … and we probably could have done more, but it was getting late. So why do I mention this? Because I went out on Friday night not really expecting anything and ended up having a pretty fun time. But before I say that fully let me explain something. Normally I have a great time going out. I know that I’m a charming, witty, fun guy that is attractive to people. I don’t think of myself as handsome or attractive, but what I don’t feel like I have in looks I think I make up for in personality (Please don’t read too much into that statement. I’m just being matter of fact here for the readers). I don’t like going to large groups and meeting people. I have a “Jekyll and Hyde”-ian approach to networking where Jekyll likes meeting with people 1-on-1 and my Hyde is being outgoing and meeting lots of people. Hyde wears me out, which is not a good thing for a person who thinks they should start meeting people to date. Where do Jekyll’s go to meet people? Because of this internal duality I tend to stay at home and not put myself out there into the public. This has to change … and last Friday night it did … a little. But that little tidbit is for my next post …
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Accepting all I’ve done and said
I want to stand and stare again until there’s nothing left out.
Whoa it remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes I will hear your silent call
And I will touch this tender wall until I know I’m home again
it’s in your eyes …
In Your Eyes – Secret World Live – Peter Gabriel Dear … mysterious known, There is something about your piercing blues that have entered my daydreams over the past couple of days. Possibly because I am reliving a haunt from my past. Or quite possibly I’m projecting a future envision. What ever the reason I have seen my soul opening with a glance from your way. It frightens me to think that I have projected you in my mind. The possibilities of the future is left to the dreamers … am I, or better yet, you one of those dreamers? I see you in the laughter of people around me and I hear you in their smiles. I want to stand and stare again in your eyes. But not knowing who you are makes me wonder where am I staring and where am I standing. And possibly … you are wondering the same thoughts. The eyes are the window to the soul. That sounds so much more deep than I wanted to be. But if we can truly understand each other then shouldn’t we be able to understand our stares … our glances … our gazes. If I can’t look at you deeply and get lost in your stare then will we have a chance? With conversation, intelligence, wisdom and grace all being important aspects of us, if we can’t comprehend without words are we together? I would like to think that being able to sit and look happily at you would be enough to sustain me. I would like to think that the physical, emotional and spiritual can be imprinted by you to me through a passionate gaze. I would love to see within your eyes “the doorway to a thousand churches,” A thousand places of peace, a thousand places of sanctuary. And maybe that is what I am missing in my searches for you. In my rough placement for “the one” then I am possibly not seeing the fault in myself. How can I ask of you something I cannot do? I need to give the same temperament and treatment that I am expecting from you. And can you find that from me? Am I a sanctuary of a thousand? So I will grow and progress to be that person. If you can accept me, then grow with me. Give me a chance and I will be a rock for you to find comfort. Then, when all is attained and adored, we will have “the light, the heat” and “be complete” in each other. It’s in your eyes …
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You are the new day …
One more day when time is running out for everyone
Like a breath I knew would come, I reach for a new day
Hope is my philosophy … just needs days in which to be
Love of life is hope for me, born on a new day
You are the new day!
You are the New Day – The New Day – The King’s Singers Dearest friend, There is a great quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay Friendship that says: Dear Friend: -
If I was sure of thee, sure of they capacity, sure to match my mood with thine, I should never think again of trifles, in relation to thy comings and goings. I am not very wise: my moods are quite attainable: and I respect thy genius: it is to me as yet unfathomed; yet dare I not presume in thee a perfect intelligence of me, and so thou are to me a delicious torment. Thine ever or never. It’s the last line, “Thine ever or never”, that I find the most troublesome. Ever or Never. I’m firm in my belief this life does not remain consistent in relationships. They are either growing or receding. I have never experienced a relationship that remains constant over time. Sometimes rebuilding the connection is not difficult, but other times it is extremely gossamer. So I do not want to waste our precious time together fiddling around with trivialities. I want to understand and know the whole of you. Time is the greatest illusion. The idea there will always be more. The thought it is fleeting and we will never experience it again. The truth is these moments that make up our experiences together are flashes of rare emotion. And if you or I leave, those moments of rare emotion will recede our connection or strengthen our desire. The choice, I’m quite afraid, is made upon the strength of our relation. If we were sure of each other’s intentions, sure of our potential to love, sure our feelings were unified, distance would hold no boundaries for us, and we would pine for the return. But if we lack slightly in any of those areas, then surely moving beyond the capacity of our current actions would be simple. Our tenuous connection would be severed and new bonds would be created with different people. It has happened to you and has happened to me. So time is running out on us. It always has been ever since we met. And if we want to continue then we need to focus on the connection we’ve made. The hope I have is that we create our tie that is strong to outlast the trials of tomorrow … whatever those may be. So within the last moments we have, either this week or for years to come, let me fight for our unity. Let me fight for our understanding. Let me fight for our together. That way, when we part, I know that our sinews will be unified in the strength of Love, Hope and each other. Until we meet again. The potential of a New Day is in your smile. And that, My dear friend, is what a delicious torment you are to me. Thine ever …
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“I may not always love you, but long as there are stars above you
you’ll never need to doubt it, I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you …
If you should ever leave me, well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me, so what good would living do me?
God only knows what I’d be without you … “
God only knows – Pet Sounds – The Beach Boys Dear “her”, My thoughts have driven me to think about the life I could be leading and also the life that I lead. Effortlessly I drift along my own path tossing up fractured ideas about perfection. However … no, that’s the wrong phrase … With reluctance, I know that I am not the ideal, perfect man. My flaws are numerous and my weaknesses are many, but … I have no idea where I would be without your guiding light shining. As much as I have foibles, I know that you are not perfect as well; we are equally flawed. But using your visage/countenance as a beacon I look at myself and hope for the best. I draw a path towards greatness and achievement, not because you demand it, but because you deserve it. I do this freely and without request. I do this to find a perfection in myself that is there and hopefully, one day, to be able to complete that perfection and deserve the ideal I have placed on you. I ask only one thing in return … your understanding that I am not placing you on a pedestal to gloat or boast. I am treasuring the creature that is within, the underlying wonderment and amazement that is your potential. Please do not use this as an excuse to think you are all deserving of my affections and admirations. I am not to be used in a disposable manner. I want to have the vision and the goal to work towards. Guaranteed, if you and I ever found each other the hope that I could be placed on that same pedestal is there. For now … I’m happy to astound from afar. It helps me become a stronger, better man that will be in demand. Possibly that triumphant, glorious angel could be you. But if not … then for a time we both had memories and moments that are happy and pleasant. In the process we hopefully grew as people too. God truly only knows what I would be like without you, Enoch
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“ … And you and I climb over the sea to the valley,
and you and I reach out for reasons to call …
I listened hard, but could not see life tempo change out and inside me …
In the end we’ll agree, we’ll accept, we’ll immortalize that the truth of the man maturing in his eyes,
all complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.
Coming quickly to terms of all expressions laid,
as a moment regained and regarded both the same,
emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
a clearer future, morning, evening, nights with you …”
And You and I – Close to the Edge – Words by Jon Anderson, Music by Yes Dear “Muse”, I have been doing a lot of thought about today and You and I. Mostly about I, but I can’t help but feel I should include You in the thought. Since there is no “us”, I need to find the words that might make something towards that idea possible. I know that You are pursuing a course different than what was originally thought. Life has taken a direction that wasn’t planned, and for that You are trying to make sense of the journey that You now embark. I have watched You travel and have wanted to help, but my actions may not be reciprocated in the correct manner. You have your life to govern, while I have mine, and I do not want my care and concern to be unwanted interactions. So I would like to propose an idea. You have found yourself in a position to make You struggle with the term “us”. You have had trials in the past with persons of selfish needs. People who look at the “us” as an end to grow the “self”. Or, even worse, People who use the “us” to limit the growth of “You” so the “I” will always be dominant. Many people have been in that situation, myself included, but I would like to propose a new venture … something that might change your mind on the idea. I have found a newly found joy looking at joint possibilities. Collaboration with new colleagues who have given me the potential to grow. Grow in new and exciting ways. I retain my individuality while these collaborations let me see the power the group has over the self. And because of this collaboration I have been thinking about You. I love the accomplishments and potential of what You offer. I would never want to diminish You in that way, which I know others have tried to do. I think … no … I know You are amazing and secretly hope that I can live up to the ideal placed on You. And I know if You are interested We can create amazing things the world has never seen. I would love to be a part of You to help achieve the next level … whatever that level means. But this “We” only works if You see the same potential in what I offer as well. There can be no dominance in the joint venture. When the status quo of the collaboration shifts power then the equality of the team starts to become tenuous and strained. Of course at times You will win out over needs, but at times I need to win out as well. Together, We can build each other to a higher strength than ever imagined. But it needs to be a unified “we”, not a “We” that is unbalanced. We have both been in situations like that. We have found that it lessens our potential and ourselves, and we cannot be the people we are destined to be. So what do You think of what I have proposed? A partnership together to create the best “us” that we can be. A partnership to never lose “You” or “I”, but together finding the best “You” and “I” imaginable by working together as “us”. Isn’t that what everyone wants? A person to boost them up when the silver lining cannot be found? A person to revel in their times of joy and happiness? A person who will celebrate the entire being of the other? I am not trying to impose myself on You. I just want You to know that I appreciate all that You are. And I think … no I believe that You are a person that will change the world. I don’t want to miss out on that opportunity because You were never given the option. You and I … us … we can make it. If it is something You want as well. Sincerely, A personal I
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So I know that I have recently not been doing my share of contributing to the blogsphere. To use the terms found in torrents, I’m much more of a leecher than a seeder. To my defense … no there is no defense. I’ve been selfish with my time and not willing to contribute or share. And to those out there who are interested to what I have to say … sorry, I’ll try to be better. The problem with writing about my “Love Life” is the fact that I really have no “love life” to speak intelligently about. There are certain people that I find intriguing, and there are people that I enjoy spending time hanging out with, but … no one really important enough to call “significant other” or even “special interest". I know that seems a little crazy since those who know me have seen a torrid past that is up and down the roller coaster of relations, but … currently my affections lie with myself and hoping to be better to get to the next level with this mysterious someone. I’ve been out of the game for a little while. But I know if I want to attract that special someone I need to become the person with whom a special someone would be interested. Which brings me to the “Open Letters”. I’ve decided to write some of my “dating” thoughts down so that people can interact with them and hopefully give me words of encouragement as well as tell me what I’m doing wrong. These letters will be addressed to an unknown her. I was thinking about using a name, possibly something that starts with an “A” since I’ve always had a fascination with females starting with the letter “A”, but I’ve opted to not include a name so that no one will get their feelings hurt or suspect that I am talking about them. If I use a name I’ll stick with “Muse”, the reason which you can decipher on your own. I trust you. So that’s it. Hopefully you can follow me on my journey through the quagmire of companionship as I begin to write things down and get to the bottom of this troublesome journey. Plus … I hope you enjoy the adventure. Remember that these are just the thoughts running through my head. Like most good opinions and drives they will grow and progress over time to something that can be magnanimous. Please don’t lambast me too much in my infancy. Happy hunting to you all!
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So I recently read my post last year On the Eve of Thirty-One and started to chuckle a bit. Man I haven't done squat since that marvelous prediction of last year. I'm two hours into being thirty-two and realize that the only thing that really has changed is that I started to clean my room.  Well ... that's not as positive a thing as you would hope. However, slowly after writing that masterpiece entry I started to go down a different path and direction. There are some key things that I think I should point out that have made this past year a successful year:
- A Positive Outlook on Life. Not that I really had a negative outlook before, but everyone has their ups and downs. Sometimes my downs seemed more prominent than the ups, but I've started to look at life a little different. This is mainly because I have created stronger associations with much more positive people in my work and leisure. One such positivity mental change came with a friend Larry Stevenson when we were working together on the Wasatch Business Conference. Larry works with LDS Employment Resource Services and asked a number of volunteers to help with our conference. Each volunteer had something challenging happen to them after he asked, from heart problems to family incidents. I said to Larry, "Maybe this is a sign to not do the conference if the Church's volunteers are coming down with all these problems?" His reply changed my life. "Enoch, it's not heaven telling you to stop. The conference is such a good idea that the Devil doesn't want it to succeed." I told him I like that outlook and he replied, "Don't worry about it. We've been doing it a long time. You'll learn." That moment I did ... and since then I've been trying to have a more positive spin on things.
- Take Control of the Reigns. Man there are times that I feel like I go a million miles an hour and lose control real quickly. However, this year I've been focusing (and that's a big word for me to use) on taking better control of things in my life. If something seems spiraling, which really doesn't happen too much with the "Positive Outlook" change, I look for the reasons why, take a deep breath, and try to regain composure. The nice thing about this is that I have found a number of people who are fantastic and willing to help out an oddity such as myself. And I think, surrounding yourself with powerful people allow you to "control" things in a positive way. This idea of a support system that many successful people talk about works.
- Smile as Much as Possible. I got mad at my mother one day because she said to our church that I always have a smile on my face. I didn't think of that as a positive thing at the time. Don't ask me why ... I was young. But now I think that it's one of the best things a person can do to combat the viles of the world. I try to walk into rooms with a smile on my face and be as positive in my attitude as possible. Sure I have my off days, but I'll tell you a secret .... it's tough to have an off day when you have a smile on your face. Sure periodically people my think I'm going mad ... but that's half of the quirky charm I hold. Because really ... if some people think I'm mad right now, when I really do start going insane they won't be wrong.
So I may not be in a wholly different position than I was in last year. I went on a couple dates. Got shot down a number of times. Stayed at home more than I should, but that doesn't mean that I didn't progress. I find myself a more content, confident and positive person than I was last year. Sure, I still like being at home and watching TV. I still may have some weight to lose around the mid-section. And yes I may have the need to cut my hair at some point in the future, but truthfully ... I'm ready to work on those things.
So to set goals for the future (because it's always good to set S.M.A.R.T. goals): Get out more; Meet more people; Be a Positive catalyst for the Better. And for goodness sake ... start opening your eyes to the possibilities.
Thirty-Two is going to be a great year!!
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Ok. So I stated a little earlier in a post that I would try new things. Well . . .
It's not going very well for me. I think partially I've hit the Old Enoch impass: The habitual sloth. Now I know that confessing a deadly sin to the general public will probably get me a slow trip to ridicule, but if it's just between you and me, I think I will be ok. Just don't tell too many people.
My problem is that I get comfortable too quickly. Kinda ... I actually have two problems. The first ... I get too comfortable too quickly. I like my house. I like my books, computer, video games, tv, movies, etc, etc, etc. I also think that I'm a little too lazy to keep things going fantastically great. Possibly I need to start exercising and increase my activity status, but being a lazy person i think that will hurt to much. So I just relax and take my time to not do much, nor meet people.
Problem number two ... I feel old. Which is odd because I really don't feel old, but here in Utah Valley ... I FEEL OLD!!! I have a number of friends who tell me that if I was to move back to Boston area that I would be in my prime to meet people and hang out. Out here in Provo, UT ... I get the feeling that I'm expired produce. Of course that means that I don't enjoy going out as much as I should, but I'm trying.
Case in point ... I went out to a Utah Jazz game a couple of weeks ago with a nice young lady. She was very attractive, and fun to talk to. I had a good time that night, and I think that she had a good time as well. So what happened to her? Nothing. I mean I haven't asked her out again, possibly because I am waiting for something exciting to come along, but mostly because I just haven't thought about it. I come home and fall back into my old routine.
So here I am making a statement to my close friends ... I am going to try ... again. Or at least I will attempt more than I have recently. And if you find me not trying ... kick my butt in gear. As frustrated as I might seem, I think that I would be more frustrated if I didn't try. So hopefully the next post I put up will be better news than I bought a new bean bag chair and the indent fits my butt perfectly.
At least one can dream!!
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Ok. So I made claims to the fact that I am going to attempt new things in my life. This can open yourself up to emberrassing situations as uncomfortable situations. And here I find myself describing a situation that I would never imagine myself being a part of again.
Let's look a couple of days ago. I have a friend, Pryan (to save anonymity), who I was at lunch with and he mentioned that he was going to be a chauffeur at a "Single Adults Dance." He chuckled because he said that the need of a bouncer is to keep out people who were drunk, or possibly polygamists looking for another wife. Just to make everyone here know: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or the Mormons) do not condone the activity of plural marriage. There was a time, but that practice has been long forgotten. Getting back to the story ...
So Pryan mentioned that the "Single Adults Dance" was for 35+. He chuckled and looked at me while saying, "Where does that put you? You're not a 'Young Single Adult' and you're not a 'Single Adult.' So what does that make you?" Purgatory?
Jump ahead in time to Friday. I'm getting home from work around 7:00 at night. My usual friday routine is something like watch tv, Eat some Ramen noodles, Play some video games, and then go to bed. Around 8:00 I get a phone call from my friend Pryan. "Hey you should come down to this thing. There are some pretty cute girls here and I think it would be fun." Usually it is at this moment when I think church dance, Friday night, single people, and myslef that my mind goes to sleep and I grab the nearest book I can. But my mind started to work and said, "You made a promise to try new things."
So I find myself instead of turning on the TV going to my room and grabbing a new shirt; Going to the bathroom and wash my face, and getting into my car to drive a couple miles out my norm to get to a small church building. I walk in the door and, to my friend Pryan's surprise (he wife, Pisa, has to pay on the wager) say hello to the people at the front desk.
So now I'm at a dance. I'll give you some insight on "The Enoch": I've never been good at dances. I'm not a huge fan of dance music (even though I was a DJ for a while), and I'm not a person who enjoys walking up to a stranger and asking them to do something without first getting to know them. I'm a person watcher, and I have fun interjecting my thoughts into people as I watch them. I'll create backstories and adventures that they have sojourned. I'll percieve into their minds to discern psyche and purpose. My friend, Pryan, was urging me to dance with someone but I was having fun being elementary psychiatrist.
Then I saw it. Sitting a couple seats away from me was an elderly gentleman. I don't know his name, but I did recognize his person. He was watching all the people around him and looking a little nervous at everyone . . .not wanting to get into the mix. A couple of friends moved towards him, sat next to him and urged him to dance at least once. He shook his head and said, "No. I don't think so." All his friends wanted him to dance "at least once," but the elderly man stood his ground. He was ok just "watching" the people around him. And to my perception, wanted to join in the fun, but not wanting to feel foolish. And then elementary psychiatrist Enoch took over: He is ME!!! or I was him!!! At that wasn't a good thing.
So my friend Pryan pushed me to dance. I could have stood strong and said, "No. I'm fine!" but I decided that I didn't want to be that stubborn anymore. Who knows what I have missed out on because of my stubborness. So I danced with someone. A nice young lady named Kristen (after an awkward foray into barn-dancing) who is a nurse from the Provo area and has a 6 year old boy. She is a nice girl. Not someone that I would be interested in right now, but times are changing and I'm trying to grow as a person. Who knows what might happen in the future, but with the next time I might have a little more determination to act faster.
As I left I was given a brochure for a "Single Adults Conference" and told that I should go to it with the mind-set of "I'm here to find a wife." Well I'm not in that mentality. And I can't bring myself to that action yet, but I will keep you all posted as to what is happening. My first thought when I got the brochure: shut off my mind. And we all know, now, where that lead to.
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Ok.
So I'm about to turn 31 here shortly and I've been looking back on my life. There are a few times during the year that I review my life, bearings, boundaries and goals and assess what it means to be me: New Years; school semester changes and of course . . . my birthday.
Living in Utah doesn't help the fact that I am starting to feel old. The feeling of "ancient-ness" is in part attributed to the fact that people around me, friends and non-friends, appear to have a "significant other" that helps push them along and fuel the fire of progression. And here I am ... on the verge of becoming a "menace-to-society" and am currently not dating anyone. Please don't think of this as a complaint/fussy post. I know where the problem is and whose shoulders the blame should lie. This is just a reckoning that is needed. Also ... I've found out that the more I admit openly to myself where the problems lie that I can move forward to further my progression.
So where does this leave me? Well . . . I've been asked by many a friends kid (and if you count all the friends kids that I have become friends with I'm an uncle at least 40 times over), "When are you getting married?" And the answer to that question is . . . <shrug>? But I have made a conscious effort to try more in the future. At least more than I have in the past.
I love my house. It's messy and small and a little bit of a shambles but it is my place and it makes me feel comfortable. Too comfortable at times. But I have vowed, and now I make it public, to get out of my house more and try to make a name for myself in the "dating" scene.
Here are the problems I have with this scenario:
- I don't know anyone. My singles ward is pretty youthful. I would have a small problem if my 18 year old daughter was dating a 31 year old man. And since I'm not in school or other "Young Adult" activities I don't meet as many people as I could.
- I keep crazy hours. Since I work as a consultant and such my lifestyle is pretty much demanded by the workload that I have. This means that I control what time I do things and what time I don't do things. My only problems become the nights I teach guitar lessons. Those nights I don't get home until pretty late at night (around 10:00). This means that I kinda have control on where and when I can do things, but kinda not. So a person has to be flexible with "The Enoch."
- I'm kinda an odd-ball. Yeah I know this comes as no shock to people who know me, but I have odd tastes in things. I'm an eclectic in possibly the worse sense of the word. I have 100's of Books, Movies, CD's, Toys, Gadgets and Gizmo's all over my house. It means I like a lot of things, but I'm also very set in my ways.
- I'm set in my ways. This is my BIG hurdle that I'm overcoming. I'm working at it everyday and I have vowed to be adventurous and try things that I normally wouldn't do. I'm trying to grow here ...
- Etc. If you know me you know what that means. I onced asked a friend to sum me up in a couple words ... She couldn't do it.
So I'm on a new adventure. One that will hopefully prove fruitful and a growing experience. And if things go well maybe I can answer the next little kid, "Next week! Why you wanna come?"
I'll keep you posted
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