Everything Enoch

You are the new day …
   One more day when time is running out for everyone
   Like a breath I knew would come, I reach for a new day 
   Hope is my philosophy … just needs days in which to be
   Love of life is hope for me, born on a new day
You are the new day!
You are the New Day – The New Day – The King’s Singers

Dearest friend,

There is a great quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay Friendship that says:

Dear Friend: -
     If I was sure of thee, sure of they capacity, sure to match my mood with thine, I should never think again of trifles, in relation to thy comings and goings. I am not very wise: my moods are quite attainable: and I respect thy genius: it is to me as yet unfathomed; yet dare I not presume in thee a perfect intelligence of me, and so thou are to me a delicious torment. Thine ever or never.

It’s the last line, “Thine ever or never”, that I find the most troublesome. Ever or Never. I’m firm in my belief this life does not remain consistent in relationships. They are either growing or receding. I have never experienced a relationship that remains constant over time. Sometimes rebuilding the connection is not difficult, but other times it is extremely gossamer. So I do not want to waste our precious time together fiddling around with trivialities. I want to understand and know the whole of you.

Time is the greatest illusion. The idea there will always be more. The thought it is fleeting and we will never experience it again. The truth is these moments that make up our experiences together are flashes of rare emotion. And if you or I leave, those moments of rare emotion will recede our connection or strengthen our desire. The choice, I’m quite afraid, is made upon the strength of our relation.

If we were sure of each other’s intentions, sure of our potential to love, sure our feelings were unified, distance would hold no boundaries for us, and we would pine for the return. But if we lack slightly in any of those areas, then surely moving beyond the capacity of our current actions would be simple. Our tenuous connection would be severed and new bonds would be created with different people. It has happened to you and has happened to me.

So time is running out on us. It always has been ever since we met. And if we want to continue then we need to focus on the connection we’ve made. The hope I have is that we create our tie that is strong to outlast the trials of tomorrow … whatever those may be. So within the last moments we have, either this week or for years to come, let me fight for our unity. Let me fight for our understanding. Let me fight for our together. That way, when we part, I know that our sinews will be unified in the strength of Love, Hope and each other. Until we meet again.

The potential of a New Day is in your smile. And that, My dear friend, is what a delicious torment you are to me.

Thine ever …

“ … And you and I climb over the sea to the valley,
and you and I reach out for reasons to call …
I listened hard, but could not see life tempo change out and inside me …
In the end we’ll agree, we’ll accept, we’ll immortalize that the truth of the man maturing in his eyes,
all complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.
Coming quickly to terms of all expressions laid,
as a moment regained and regarded both the same,
emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
a clearer future, morning, evening, nights with you …”
And You and I – Close to the Edge – Words by Jon Anderson, Music by Yes

Dear “Muse”,

I have been doing a lot of thought about today and You and I. Mostly about I, but I can’t help but feel I should include You in the thought. Since there is no “us”, I need to find the words that might make something towards that idea possible.

I know that You are pursuing a course different than what was originally thought. Life has taken a direction that wasn’t planned, and for that You are trying to make sense of the journey that You now embark. I have watched You travel and have wanted to help, but my actions may not be reciprocated in the correct manner. You have your life to govern, while I have mine, and I do not want my care and concern to be unwanted interactions.

So I would like to propose an idea. You have found yourself in a position to make You struggle with the term “us”. You have had trials in the past with persons of selfish needs. People who look at the “us” as an end to grow the “self”. Or, even worse, People who use the “us” to limit the growth of “You” so the “I” will always be dominant. Many people have been in that situation, myself included, but I would like to propose a new venture … something that might change your mind on the idea.

I have found a newly found joy looking at joint possibilities. Collaboration with new colleagues who have given me the potential to grow. Grow in new and exciting ways. I retain my individuality while these collaborations let me see the power the group has over the self. And because of this collaboration I have been thinking about You.

I love the accomplishments and potential of what You offer. I would never want to diminish You in that way, which I know others have tried to do. I think … no … I know You are amazing and secretly hope that I can live up to the ideal placed on You. And I know if You are interested We can create amazing things the world has never seen. I would love to be a part of You to help achieve the next level … whatever that level means.

But this “We” only works if You see the same potential in what I offer as well. There can be no dominance in the joint venture. When the status quo of the collaboration shifts power then the equality of the team starts to become tenuous and strained. Of course at times You will win out over needs, but at times I need to win out as well. Together, We can build each other to a higher strength than ever imagined. But it needs to be a unified “we”, not a “We” that is unbalanced. We have both been in situations like that. We have found that it lessens our potential and ourselves, and we cannot be the people we are destined to be.

So what do You think of what I have proposed? A partnership together to create the best “us” that we can be. A partnership to never lose “You” or “I”, but together finding the best “You” and “I” imaginable by working together as “us”. Isn’t that what everyone wants? A person to boost them up when the silver lining cannot be found? A person to revel in their times of joy and happiness? A person who will celebrate the entire being of the other?

I am not trying to impose myself on You. I just want You to know that I appreciate all that You are. And I think … no I believe that You are a person that will change the world. I don’t want to miss out on that opportunity because You were never given the option. You and I … us … we can make it.

If it is something You want as well.

Sincerely,

A personal I

So I recently read my post last year On the Eve of Thirty-One and started to chuckle a bit. Man I haven't done squat since that marvelous prediction of last year.  I'm two hours into being thirty-two and realize that the only thing that really has changed is that I started to clean my room.  Well ... that's not as positive a thing as you would hope.  However, slowly after writing that masterpiece entry I started to go down a different path and direction.  There are some key things that I think I should point out that have made this past year a successful year:

1. A Positive Outlook on Life.  Not that I really had a negative outlook before, but everyone has their ups and downs.  Sometimes my downs seemed more prominent than the ups, but I've started to look at life a little different.  This is mainly because I have created stronger associations with much more positive people in my work and leisure.  One such positivity mental change came with a friend Larry Stevenson when we were working together on the Wasatch Business Conference. Larry works with LDS Employment Resource Services and asked a number of volunteers to help with our conference.  Each volunteer had something challenging happen to them after he asked, from heart problems to family incidents.  I said to Larry, "Maybe this is a sign to not do the conference if the Church's volunteers are coming down with all these problems?"  His reply changed my life. "Enoch, it's not heaven telling you to stop. The conference is such a good idea that the Devil doesn't want it to succeed."  I told him I like that outlook and he replied, "Don't worry about it.  We've been doing it a long time.  You'll learn."  That moment I did ... and since then I've been trying to have a more positive spin on things.
2. Take Control of the Reigns. Man there are times that I feel like I go a million miles an hour and lose control real quickly.  However, this year I've been focusing (and that's a big word for me to use) on taking better control of things in my life.  If something seems spiraling, which really doesn't happen too much with the "Positive Outlook" change, I look for the reasons why, take a deep breath, and try to regain composure.  The nice thing about this is that I have found a number of people who are fantastic and willing to help out an oddity such as myself.  And I think, surrounding yourself with powerful people allow you to "control" things in a positive way.  This idea of a support system that many successful people talk about works.
3. Smile as Much as Possible. I got mad at my mother one day because she said to our church that I always have a smile on my face.  I didn't think of that as a positive thing at the time.  Don't ask me why ... I was young. But now I think that it's one of the best things a person can do to combat the viles of the world.  I try to walk into rooms with a smile on my face and be as positive in my attitude as possible.  Sure I have my off days, but I'll tell you a secret .... it's tough to have an off day when you have a smile on your face.  Sure periodically people my think I'm going mad ... but that's half of the quirky charm I hold. Because really ... if some people think I'm mad right now, when I really do start going insane they won't be wrong.

So I may not be in a wholly different position than I was in last year.  I went on a couple dates. Got shot down a number of times. Stayed at home more than I should, but that doesn't mean that I didn't progress.  I find myself a more content, confident and positive person than I was last year.  Sure, I still like being at home and watching TV.  I still may have some weight to lose around the mid-section.  And yes I may have the need to cut my hair at some point in the future, but truthfully ... I'm ready to work on those things.

So to set goals for the future (because it's always good to set S.M.A.R.T. goals): Get out more; Meet more people; Be a Positive catalyst for the Better.  And for goodness sake ... start opening your eyes to the possibilities.

Thirty-Two is going to be a great year!!

Ok.  So I made claims to the fact that I am going to attempt new things in my life.  This can open yourself up to emberrassing situations as uncomfortable situations.  And here I find myself describing a situation that I would never imagine myself being a part of again.

Let's look a couple of days ago.  I have a friend, Pryan (to save anonymity), who I was at lunch with and he mentioned that he was going to be a chauffeur at a "Single Adults Dance."  He chuckled because he said that the need of a  bouncer is to keep out  people who were drunk, or possibly polygamists looking for another wife.  Just to make everyone here know: The Church of  Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or the Mormons) do not condone the activity of plural marriage.  There was a time, but that practice has been long forgotten.  Getting back to the story ...

So Pryan mentioned that the "Single Adults Dance" was for 35+.  He chuckled and looked at me while saying, "Where does that put you?  You're not a 'Young Single Adult' and you're not a 'Single Adult.'  So what does that make you?"  Purgatory?

Jump ahead in time to Friday.  I'm getting home from work around 7:00 at night.  My usual friday routine is something like watch tv, Eat some Ramen noodles, Play some video games, and then go to bed.  Around 8:00 I get a phone call from my friend Pryan.  "Hey you should come down to this thing.  There are some pretty cute girls here and I think it would be fun."  Usually it is at this moment when I think church dance, Friday night, single people, and myslef that my mind goes to sleep and I grab the nearest book I can.  But my mind started to work and said, "You made a promise to try new things."

So I find myself instead of turning on the TV going to my room and grabbing a new shirt; Going to the bathroom and wash my face, and getting into my car to drive a couple miles out my norm to get to a small church building.  I walk in the door and, to my friend Pryan's surprise (he wife, Pisa, has to pay on the wager) say hello to the people at the front desk.

So now I'm at a dance.  I'll give you some insight on "The Enoch": I've never been good at dances. I'm not a huge fan of dance music (even though I was a DJ for a while), and I'm not a person who enjoys walking up to a stranger and asking them to do something without first getting to know them. I'm a person watcher, and I have fun interjecting my thoughts into people as I watch them. I'll create backstories and adventures that they have sojourned. I'll percieve into their minds to discern psyche and purpose. My friend, Pryan, was urging me to dance with someone but I was having fun being elementary psychiatrist.

Then I saw it.  Sitting a couple seats away from me was an elderly gentleman.  I don't know his name, but I did recognize his person. He was watching all the people around him and looking a little nervous at everyone . . .not wanting to get into the mix. A couple of friends moved towards him, sat next to him and urged him to dance at least once.  He shook his head and said, "No. I don't think so." All his friends wanted him to dance "at least once," but the elderly man stood his ground. He was ok just "watching" the people around him.  And to my perception, wanted to join in the fun, but not wanting to feel foolish. And then elementary psychiatrist Enoch took over: He is ME!!! or I was him!!! At that wasn't a good thing.

So my friend Pryan pushed me to dance. I could have stood strong and said, "No.  I'm fine!" but I decided that I didn't want to be that stubborn anymore.  Who knows what I have missed out on because of my stubborness. So I danced with someone. A nice young lady named Kristen (after an awkward foray into barn-dancing) who is a nurse from the Provo area and has a 6 year old  boy.  She is a nice girl.  Not someone that I would be interested in right now, but times are changing and I'm trying to grow as a person. Who knows what might happen in the future, but with the next time I might have a little more determination to act faster. 

As I left I was given a brochure for a "Single Adults Conference" and told that I should go to it with the mind-set of "I'm here to find a wife."  Well I'm  not in that mentality.  And I can't bring myself to that action yet, but I will keep you all posted as to what is happening.  My first thought when I got the brochure: shut off my mind.  And we all know, now, where that lead to.